Good Morning. This is your Blame Operator

15 min readNov 27, 2020

Take a number!

Good morning. This is your Blame Operator. We accept blame for everything excluding murder. Can I help you today?

Caller #1: Yes, yesterday I was in a hurry to leave work so I could meet my spouse for dinner. Instead of reading this long insurance document that at first glance looked and sounded like all the other insurance documents I’d ever seen, I just okayed it and passed it on to the next reader. Now I feel awful about what I did but it can’t be undone.

Operator: Not to worry. We get a lot of these situations, and I always tell the person that rationalization will work. So let me demonstrate. If what you say is true, then this document is going to waste your time without providing you with any added insight. That’s one rationalization right there. Here’s a second: Another person is going to read it. If anything is amiss, that person will find it. Next caller. Will it be cash or credit?

Caller #2: Today I backed up the car and almost hit my child on his bicycle. I have terrible guilt, but I also have the need to blame someone other than myself. Who do you suggest?

Operator: Well, we accept blame for everything excluding murder and your action qualifies. I can offer you several choices of person upon whom you can affix the blame: your wife, for getting you up late; your boss, for threatening consequences should you come late; and your daughter Lisa, for neglecting to tell you that your son was outside on his trike. Who would you like to blame?

Caller #2: I think it’s time we leveled a little blame on my daughter since she’s the apple of my eye and she always seems to escape punishment. Can you transfer my blame to her so I feel better immediately? I’d like to pay with my Discovering Card.

Operator: I already made the transfer even as we spoke. You should be feeling lighter very soon. Of course your daughter will not be in a good mood, but your wife will take the blame for that so you won’t have to call us back for a retread. Anything else, sir?

Caller #2: No. Looks like I’m done for today. Go on to your next call.

Operator: Thank you for waiting for the Blame Game Operator. What is your wish today?

Caller #3: By mistake I left a chocolate bar on the kitchen table, and the dog ate it. We didn’t know about it until later, and he got sick and died. Everyone in the family is blaming me, and I can’t stand it. Can you help?

Operator: Of course we can. Luckily dogs don’t qualify as murder victims so we have a blame solution for you. Sir, why don’t you deflect blame onto the veterinarian?

After all, he is the person most responsible for your dog’s health. Tell your kids and wife that the vet’s to blame and stage a quarrel in front of other veterinary clients to convince your family you’ve diverted blame elsewhere.

Caller #3: Thanks. It would have taken me hours to arrive at that solution, and in the meantime I would have been wracked with pain, and my kids would be crying and screaming. Now everyone can just be nasty to the vet. Yippee!

Operator: I see we have another desperate caller on the line. Can I help you?

Caller #4: Thanks, I’ve been waiting a long time and blaming myself for waiting so long to contact you to get rid of the blame for spoiling Thanksgiving dinner by burning the turkey. So now I have two bunches of pain: one for the original turkey incineration and the other for procrastinating in calling you. Can I qualify for relieving these two parcels of pain?

Operator: Well, we aim to please, but it’ll be a little more when you have a double doozy.

First, the turkey thing: Why don’t you blame the poor instructions written on the turkey. They weren’t from the Consumer Protection Bureau so they really wouldn’t hold up in any court of law. One parcel of pain is already gone, and with it, the disgusting blame.

As for the procrastination, that might be problematic since procrastination really takes intent and once you have intent, you have motivation, and once you have motivation, you have a goal, and once you have a goal, the desire to procrastinate can go on and on. Does anyone else know about this procrastination besides yourself?

Caller #4: No, I never told my family that I was going to contact your office.

Operator: Good. We then can implement the lie strategy. It’s really self-deception so don’t count it as one of your sins of commission. Just tell yourself you weren’t procrastinating — you were cleaning out the garage and one thing led to another and you didn’t get to call the Blame Line until you repositioned every tool on your shelf. Attribute your procrastination to your OCD and you’re square with blame.

Caller #4 : Thank you so much. Now can I sing that beautiful song I heard in your advertisement?

“Blame, blame, go away, Come again some other day, Blame, blame, go away, Baby needs some shoes for Christmas Day.”

Good Morning. This is your Blame Operator

Good morning. This is your Blame Operator. We accept blame for everything excluding murder. Can I help you today?

Written by Leah gotti hot